


Silence So Painful

by Raspberry0



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Abusive Dursley Family (Harry Potter), Albus Dumbledore Bashing, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Bad Albus Dumbledore, Child Abuse, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Good Voldemort, Good Voldemort (potentially in future chapters), Harry Potter Angst, Harry's going to be put in Slytherin at some point but it might take a while, How Do I Tag, Hurt Harry Potter, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Just cause I choose not to apply warnings doesn't mean some don't apply, Manipulative Albus Dumbledore, Mute Chatacter, Mute Harry Potter, Physical Abuse, Rating May Change, Selectively Mute Harry Potter, Slytherin Harry Potter, Tags May Change, Verbal Abuse, eventually, i will tag as i go, will change rating if needed
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-26
Updated: 2020-05-27
Packaged: 2021-03-02 20:21:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,274
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24392710
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Raspberry0/pseuds/Raspberry0
Summary: Harry is finally returning to Hogwarts for his fourth year, however he isn't greeting the year with the joy typical of him. Instead the boy is a shell of the one they previously knew, he jerks from even the most friendly touches, won't look anyone in the eyes and refuses to so much as make a sound. With the stress of the Tri-Wizard Tournament and everyone trying to get him to go back to how he was the year is going worse and worse for Harry. After getting changed to Slytherin, his new housemates are determined to help the boy no matter the previous nature of their relationship. But what they don't realize is the biggest threat to Harry right now is his own mind.
Comments: 88
Kudos: 259





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This chapter is intended to both set things up for the story, and give a little back story about what's happening. As a result of this, this chapter doesn't go into detail about some things and is kinda in past tense a few times I think. Sometimes when writing I'll write in past tense without meaning to or realizing til I go back over it. As a result there are some areas in past tense that I think should be in past tense(?). Enjoy.
> 
> Word Count: 2,802

Nothing good ever came from summer for Harry Potter, that said the summer before his fourth year was the worst as far as he could judge. The boy-who-lived had been aware sense his first year that life with his relatives had an effect on his behavior. He tends to keep his voice on the quiet side, he never looked someone in the eyes (though few would notice as he would look instead at a spot between them or just the wall behind them), also he on a few occasions where unable to stop a flinch at his friends' easy going touches. All this said, never had he considered just how bad they really could hurt him till that summer. The break had started off normal enough with his relatives being no kinder than usual but also not noticeably worse. Then he did messed up, not a burned food mess up, **_no_ **, a freakish mess up.

It was sometime later in the afternoon and his aunt had had him in the garden for a better part of the day. In said garden he made the acquaintance of a rather kind grass snake and while his abilities as a Parseltongue had not been warmly welcomed in his second year Harry had no worries of quietly speaking the language with a serpent for he knew no judgement would come for speaking their language. That said he was too caught up in his conversation and work to notice the sound of footsteps til it was too late. A horrified sound cut off his sentence to the reptile and the male felt a similar horror fill his heart as he realized what had happened.

Aunt Petunia stood behind him no more than two steps a horrified and slightly scared expression adorned her face making clear she had heard the hissing coming from his mouth, and he began to tremble in fear. Body still with terror he didn't fight as the veil women grabbed him by his upper arm, nails cutting into the pale skin, and dragged him back inside where his uncle currently resided. His small friend barely managed to slither from his shoulder down to the grass before he was forced into the house. Not so gently she let go of his arm after dragging him right in front of his uncle before she began her shrill screeching of what happened. (From the little he listened too it was clear there was some exaggeration as despite having been whispering she claimed to have been able to hear his loud hisses once she opened the door.) Instead of focusing on what she said Harry focused on his relative's expression as it contorted from unhappy to furious beyond anything he'd ever seen before, the color of his face turning purple in his fiery. 

A small almost inaudible whimper was all he managed before his body was roughly seized by his neck and slammed against the wall. Words left his uncle in a flurry, spit flying, as he screamed hitting his body into the wall time after time again. The hand on his throat made it impossible to breathe and just when he thought he would pass out from air alone ( though his head was spinning from the repeated banging) his uncle used the grip to throw him to the ground. The young wizard grasped for air, sucking oxygen in greedily only for a hard kick to the chest to send the desperately needed air right out of his lungs. 

The kicks didn't stop there however, no, they kept going, one after another painfully made contact with the different parts of his chest, arms, and legs as he curled into a ball. His hands and lower arms protected his head while the elbow was tucked into his chest. Each kick sent a jolt of pain through his body, punches were thrown in every now and again making the dizzy pounding of his head worse. Throughout the whole ordeal the creature, he was not a person, screamed words, insults, at him. Words such as freak and abomination made its way to his ears but blood had gotten in from his head and his mind was full of pain and panic so most of it just sounded like gibberish to his addled brain. Considering his uncle maybe it was just gibberish and he only thought he could hear some real words mixed in. 

Mercifully the thing paused the attack to stomp off and Harry stayed curled in a ball knowing he'd be back. Sure enough, after what felt like both hours and seconds the stomping came charging towards him and Harry dared to peek at what had been retrieved. His glasses had come off at some point and we're probably broken somewhere however didn't need them to know what was in his uncle's fat hand. He'd been cooking meals for the three of them for years before he'd actually gotten glasses (they only got them once teachers continued to complain to them) enough to know a knife when he saw one. His fear intensified as the adult got closer to him screaming something about getting rid of his abnormalities. A part of his begged the bloods wards that got him sent back to this prison would protect him from the man but another part of him knew it was useless, the pain making his body whither and the scars covering it were proof of that. 

Harry started to thrash and beg as he tried to get away from the aproging threat, who like any predator just grinned in pleasure and used his free hand to grab hold of the wailing boy. The knife pierced his skin sickenly easy and it was all he could not to pass out from the pain as it went into the top of his arm in a semi line, his thrashing through he couldn't help it made the knife twist in the wound. Harry could barely remember the last time he'd screamed during punishment and a good reminder of why came in the form of a blow to the side of his face, partly on his ear, that caused him to blackout for a few seconds. At least that was Harry's guess as the knife once in his arm was in his cheek, and his uncle's hand that was used to punch him was once again around his throat. As his consciousness swam in and out he could vaguely make out the sounds of his aunt screaming. He wasn't sure what she was saying, if she was saying anything at all, he assumed she was yelling insults at him. As his uncle continued to rid him of his 'freakishness' the knife was used only a bit more to cut him. Once or twice he thinks the man might have used it to slap him based on the stinking in his cheek but the feeling was so weak compared to everything else so he wasn't sure. After an unknown amount of time Harry finally felt his consciousness slip away leaving him in a only abyss of nothingness.

The first thing Harry noticed upon waking up was the sheer amount of pain he was in, it felt worse than any beating he'd taken before. Everything hurt and the fact that his legs were curled to his chest didn't help. Most of the time the curled position was his go to but right now doing such just seemed to magnify the pain to an unbearable amount. In an attempt to ease the pain even just a bit he tried uncurling his legs, only for them to hit the wall. Confused and now a bit scared the male opened his eyes to darkness and began to try and shift his body, stretch out. His head was already pressed against the opposite wall from his legs and a very familiar word filtered through his mind, his cupboard. After going to Hogwarts the Dursleys had been too scared to put him in there for fear of being checked on. His truck and wand had gone in instead, clearly after yesterday (or was it still the same day?). His uncle was too angry at him to care, and with a lurch of his heart Harry realized that while it was noticeably more cramped than when he was younger the small space was still big enough for his pale body. A powerful pound of his head made even the blackness of the space seem to spin so with a ground of pain the boy-who-lived squeezed them shut and tried to force his mind back to sleep.

Harry had no way of knowing how long the Dursleys left him there and while it was at least a couple days he was too out of it to tell. After his initial time of consciousness he floated in and out of it at random times, never coherent enough to do or think of anything but the pain present. At some point he saw a blindingly bright light that made his head spin. He blacked out for a few seconds from the pain bursting from his head and when he came to instead of being in his cupboard he was in the hallway with his aunt standing over him. His disoriented mind couldn't tell him if she looked concerned or disgusted, instead of trying to figure it out he just let out a pitiful whine and closed his eyes. Later he'd wake up in what seemed like a hospital room but the lights were too bright so he just closed his eyes and fell back into the darkness. The next time Harry woke up he was more coherent than he could remember being in a long time, (though to be fair he has pretty much no memory of his brief moments of consciousness). Not just this but the pain had subsided in most places to a dullish aching that made him question where the punishment for being a Parseltongue was all in his imagination, he was terrified to find out. As it happens it was not his imagination, however after they removed him from his (the?) cupboard he was in such a bad state they actually took him to the hospital. _Wow he must have looked bad_. 

Apparently he had gotten into some kind of street fight before he came home and then locked himself in his room. It wasn't till he opened the door in a state of dilira and fell down the stairs they knew how bad things were. _Well they didn't miss a chance to make him look like some gang member that's for sure._ The car ride back to Privet Drive was silent and tense with Dudley being so silent Harry was scared he might have lost his hearing at some point between his hospital room and the car. After getting back the wizard entered the building and waited by the side of the door waiting for what he was supposed to do but too scared to actually ask. Lucky that seemed to be a good choice cause as Vernon enter he sneered at Harry

"What are you waiting for, boy?! Go cook us some lunch!" Not needing to be told twice and not wanting to get hurt again so soon he started off to the kitchen only partially losing his balance once on the way.

After that things fell into a routine, he worked his chores, got beat, did more chores, got starved, did more chores. At some point while he layed in the cupboard (apparently they were keeping his school stuff in the bedroom upstairs and he was back to his old room) he realized that he was regressing(?) back to how he was before Hogwarts and it terrified him. During the summer he always lost most of the weight he gained at school leaving him maybe a couple pounds heavier than when he first started. Now however because of the incident (turns out he was in there for a week) he was as frail as before, during one of his few showers he got Harry notice there was no meat to his stomach at all in fact it was the opposite. You could clearly see where his ribs ended from the way his stomach sucked inwards in a sick but kinda fascinating way. His skin was paler than ever and sometimes he got a moment to himself he'd just sit there tracing the blue veins under it. Of course not all the regressions were physical, seeing as the Weasely family was rather affectionate he'd gotten mostly used to causal contact now however he couldn't stop himself from flinching whenever he saw anyone get near him. He couldn't really remember what his voice sounded like anymore from the length it had been since he had spoken. The first time he spoke after the hospital his uncle had flown off on him and besides the beating warning that if he had to listen to his freakish voice again it would be the last thing he ever said. Now Harry wasn't really sure how he'd make sure of that but the image of uncle Vernon crushing his windpipe filtered through his mind so he decided **_never_ ** to test how he'd do it, as he knew the man would make good on his threat. The worst changes in his mind however were his own instincts, back at Hogwarts where nearly always on fight rather than flight. Sure he'd never outright fight the Dursleys he had no problem with small rebellions before, however now he couldn't if he wanted and he kinda didn't want to. Anytime he was in a situation he's freeze up like a deer, flight rarely kicking in and fight never. When he thought about doing any kind of small rebellion his mind, against his will, would immediately go to the punishments he'd receive for his actions and he'd back out before he even started. He'd lost his 'reckless Gryffindor bravery' as Malfoy called it and without it felt like he'd lost his place at Hogwarts. 

Speaking of Hogwarts, the young male spent plenty of time thinking of the school and the people there. Time in his cupboard was a time to sleep and rest before he's got to start working again. That said, while most nights he was too exhausted to stay up, there were some nights where no matter how hard he tired, Harry couldn't fall asleep. It was these nights that his mind turned to the Wizarding school and it's residents. He also spent plenty of time thinking of Sirius. Some nights his mind would go to Dumbledore and as those nights grew more frequent so did his feelings grow more dark. Harry had been through a lot and while he held no love for the Dursleys the only one of them he could truly say he hated as far as he could tell was Vernon. That said a cold resentment towards Dumbledore began to grow within his chest as he thought of the old man. Despite everything that had happened over just three years' time, no matter what, if they he went to Dumbledore with something important the Wizard would brush it off. The Professors could handle it, you should know it's for the best, or something like that! **_He_ ** didn't give any of their concerns much thought, didn't listen to them, insisted he knew what was best. Yet he was the one that sent him back to the Dursleys year after year. Sure he prided himself on being able to appear fine but if anyone looked hard enough or paid attention it wasn't hard to see how his relatives treated him. Still the old man insisted he knew what was best and that he was safest with them even though they had just tried to kill him too long ago, among other things. Yes, despite not being a person who hated people lightly or easily Harry Potter was certain by the time it was time to go back to school that he without a doubt hated Dumbledore.

Harry didn't know how long it was after he realized that he hated Dumbledore that school started but he did know it was sometime within the same week (probably). To be honest he didn't even know the school year was beginning just that his uncle had dragged him out of the house and had him get in the car. From there they drove to the station, where Vernon told him to get his stuff and get going. Harry still didn't put it together til he opened the car's trunk and saw his own trunk. He didn't have the books, didn't have robes, nothing, but he didn't dare voice complaint to his uncle. He didn't dare use his voice at all.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Word Count: 1,473

Without pausing to wait for the others Harry made his way onto the train, taking advantage of the fact most weren't getting on yet. Finding a compartment towards the back of the train didn't prove too hard however the amount of people already on had his limbs shaking more than usual. 

Over the last break Harry had come to accept the shaking in his hands that refused to leave no matter what he tried. Putting his truck up, the male took a seat and started focusing on calming down in hopes of getting the tremble down to a more reasonable amount. 

This worked at least a bit til the door to his compartment was opened, on instinct Harry jerked his head to look. Ron was there with Hermione behind him and at the sight of the boy savior greeted him loudly,  _ too loudly _ . Harry's body unintentionally jerked away from the loud noise, at the sight of such acts both Gryffindores stopped smiling. Without responding Harry turned his eyes down to his lap, then to the window hoping the lack of response would drive the  threat students away.

To say Hermione was concerned was an understatement, Harry's violent reaction to Ron's noise level hadn't been seen since first year. Not just this but the wizard looked worse than when they'd first met, during the school year Harry would start out underweight and as school progressed gained weight up to a semi normal weight. Over the course of summer he'd lose this weight and the cycle would repeat. This year however he was noticeably more thin, pale skin clingy to bone in such a way it made looking at him unsettling. His normally wild hair was oily and limp hanging without barely any curl to it. His eyes however held the most noticeably change to them, even they're bright color was dulled and while he didn't make eye contact it was easy to see how they were dilated in fear.  _ Fear of them _ . 

"Harry?" Green eyes snapped up to her face before looking back out the window, he didn't make eye contact.

"You alright mate?" Ron's voice cut off her next words and this time the brunette didn't show he'd registered the words. He made no move to respond. Hermione saw the red head's face twitch with both concern and anger but before he could say anything (no doubt something regrettable) the door once again opened. It was hard for any of them to ignore how Harry's head snapped painfully fast in the direction of the sound. 

Neville and Luna stood there, the shy male's eyes grew wide at Harry and he made quick work of getting to a seat, brow furrowed. Luna's own expression was hard to explain however she, surprisingly, made no comment to anyone as she too set down. Neville looked like he wanted to say something but the more he took in the boy savior the more that look was replaced with horror. The ride to Hogwarts was tense, conversation eventually picked up (weakly) but Harry never joined in. Throughout the ride members of the compartment would periodically glance at the male, however none made a move to talk to him. The trip from train to great hall was uneventful, they mercifully didn't encounter Malfoy, it was only once they got to the great hall things worsened. 

The hall was big, big and open two things Harry knew meant nothing good. In their normal home there weren't many large open areas, the closest was the living room. Being so out in the open left him feeling exposed, stares burning into him and making him want to hide. While that wasn't an option the boy did curl in on himself as he made his way to the familiar yet sickenly forgien table. Harry took a seat away from the other students and pretty much blocked out everything around him as he lost himself in his mind. 

A wondering mind had gotten him in trouble more than a couple times with the Dursleys but seeing as everyone was supposed to focus on the sorting he hoped it would be fine. His mind still repeated his aunt's skreaches about daydreaming and his instincts were on fire but he did his best to block it out. The noise around him, sounding more like a static buzz, fluctuated from loud to quiet in time with each sorting. Suddenly food appeared on the table startling the boy-who-lived, his heart sunk when he realized he'd tuned out Dumbledore's whole speech. While he no longer respected the man his speeches always held important information, such as who the man staring at him from the teacher's table was. Looking at all the food the male knew he should be drooling, meals at Hogwarts were always amazing and over the last summer a state of dizziness had settled in his body from it's lack of nutritions. Despite all this and the fact that he knew he was supposed to eat fear still managed to hit him. 

_ What right did a freak like him have to eat such delicious food? What work had he done to earn it? He should be grateful to be allowed in such a gorgeous room, not thinking of pigging out on the food in it. Hell he should be thanking the headmaster for letting a freak like him on the furniture.  _

Suddenly feeling queasy Harry moved his eyes to the table cloth praying for the meal to end so he could go to his room. The meal was agonizingly slow, made slower by random students trying to talk to him, their pity filled expressions did nothing for his nerves and just when the wizard thought he'd be sick everything finally disappeared. Trying not to seem too eager, happiness was a sign he knew to hide, Harry left, staying a bit behind the other students but not enough so a teacher should approach. 

Getting to his room the male ignored his roommates along with Hermione, who'd followed into the boys dorm, he removed his shoes and got onto his bed pulling the curtains closed around it. Instantly being in a smaller space and away from prying eyes he felt his body relax significantly and he just took a moment to process everything. 

Truthfully the boy didn't know what he was gonna do, pretty much all his classes focused on spellcasting which required a spoken incarnation, Snape would surely punish him for a lack of speech (if only for an excuse to punish him) and DADA was a total wildcard. Unlike all his other classes that he'd been going to for the last few years, this one for every year had a new teacher, had new rules, and the fact that he didn't even hear the teacher's introduction made things even worse. He was going in blind with no possible ideas for the rules he'd have to follow, let alone the amount of verbal responses that were expected from the boy-who-lived. His vocal cords weren't actually damaged (hopefully) so surely wizards with the kind of powers they had could find a way to make him talk, right?

The idea was terrifying.

Harry spent the rest of the night in his head going through possibilities not realizing how late it had become until Neville began to get up for classes the next day, he frowned at the lack of sleep that would surely cause problems. Once the male had left the green eyed boy got showered and got dressed for the day ahead of him stifling the panic about how someone had gotten up before he had. Not having the books for this year Harry opted to place last years in his bag before heading down, not to the Great Hall, but to the halls near by so as not to be late. If he arrived too early not only would it draw more attention but the teachers were more likely to approach him. 

Staying in the area Harry tried to work out a plan for his classes, his game as much as he despised it might keep some teachers from insisting he talk, at least for the first few days. It wasn't a permanent fix however and Snape would definitely not go for it, if anything he'd likely make a claim about his game going to his head. Then there was the new DADA teacher who was looking at him with a mix of disgust and caution. If the teachers thought he was hurt in some way they may take him to Madame Pomfrey,  _ or maybe they wouldn't care _ . The thought was both bitter and hopeful. Glancing around the brunette saw no indication of how long he'd been there and headed towards the Great Hall hoping the noise level would clue him in whether or not he could enter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for never updating and for the chapter being so short, a lot has just been happening and when I did work on it I'd worry about it not being good enough and end up doing very little. I'm extremely grate full for all the comments and support I've received after just the first chapter and also quite a bit surprised by it.  
> Within the chapter I'm not really sure about the train scene and still really wanna delete it but hopefully none of you find it too bad. Also I went back to the first chapter and fixed a few errors/spaced it a bit more. I'm hoping after this to start updating on a regular basis and will try to achieve this. While the amount of support/comments it a bit scary I welcome all questions so feel free to ask and I hope you have a great day or night.
> 
> ~Raspberry0

**Author's Note:**

> So I do plan to work on the next chapters after I publish this, however I was hoping to get some feedback. Not just improvements that can be made and such (although those are appreciated) but weither you'd actually be interested in reading more, if I should continue. I know it's hard to judge a book based on one chapter but if nobody wants to read it, or likes how I write I'd like to know. Also again it's early in the story but if there's something you'd like to see in the story feel free to tell me.
> 
> ~Raspberry0


End file.
